Мой маленький сын

Решила что про сына буду писать по-русски.  Хотя бы все-таки потренируюсь.  Мой сын родился в середине июля после 41 недели ожидания.  Все-таки все прошло хорошо и я родила без всяких вмешательств и хирургий, но с анастезией.  Так что вот.

Первый меся был не таким сложным, хотя сейчас все-таки усложняется посколько он все больше и больше часов не спит и пытается исследовать мир вокруг него.

Anger management - Lessons 2 & 3

Understanding anger episodes.  
Once my anger is triggered by some event, usually work-related, I fall into the same patterns:
1) Awfulizing (I thought it was the most awful thing that could be happening, but it wasn't...)
2) Low frustration tolerance ("I just can't fucking deal with it..." even though I probably can)
3) Demandingness ("I thought the other person totally should have thought about me...acted differently...")
4) Negative rating of others ("what an asshole....")
5) Negative ratings of self ("I'm so worthless...")
6) Distortion - not seeing things clearly because I'm so mad

As for expressive patterns, some of the common ones are:
1) indirect anger expression
2) Outward expression - verbal and gesture

Interestingly, I make no efforts to resolve or correct the situation with the direct person/event that caused my anger, but mostly  bitch to others.  Hmmm...unproductive. :)

***********
#The "big mistake" is focusing exclusively on the bad behavior of others while ignoring the more important issue of whether anger is working to make my life better...--> definitely may apply to me at some moments

#The energy required to manage my life with this problem is far greater than the energy required to make a change.

Anger management - Lesson 1

So I had decided to take a look at my behavior and to change certain patterns.  I think that I do get angry way too often than necessary and it may even become a detriment to my health/social relations.  So I decided to get a DIY book about anger and sadness and see how I can correct it. And so, lesson #1.
Anger consists of the following elements:
1)self-talk
2)images
3)sensation in your body
4)pattern of expression
I think that I definitely have #1 an #4.  #1 would include things like exaggerated description of the problem, blame, a belief in inability to cope with problem, morally (blaming) thoughts of others, condemnation of others and thoughts about revenge. Images is when you keep replaying in your head the negative experience that just feeds into your anger.  And, as for patterns of expression - I am definitely an "outie" as I like to show my emotions. 
*Also interesting that anger and aggression are not likely that closely related.  Aggression actually follows anger only in 10% of the time.  Interestingly, most people suffer from anger itself.

It's not too late to turn it around...

Lately, I've been moody and depressed about a lot of things.  And angry.  About the fact that I got my chosen rotation so late in the year that will compromise my fellowship applications; about some of the evaluations that I've (i think quite unfairly) received from my my attendings.  About unfair treatment that I've received from my chiefs/bosses.  About life in general.  Things that in general were making angry and upset.  And then realized that they are all not worth it.  Working at the place where I work now (a big cancer) makes me ponder about bigger and deeper things.  Young people unlucky enough to have cancer have such a limited time to live and to enjoy their time with children and their close ones, and it is so saddening and sobering experience. What are my problems compared to theirs?  Things that I'm worried about are simply not worth worrying about.  They are not worth even feeling down about.

The evaluation grades that I get from my preceptors/bosses don't make any sense.  For example, one of the preceptor raves how I am so professional and hard-working individual and the best in everything and then proceeds to give me all 7 out of 9 on everything.  If everything was so good, why not 8 or 9 out of 9 then?  Another one who always praises me about my notes gives me a 5/9 on my notes but praises my attendance in clinic (9/9) when I have missed my sessions several times.  Another one gives me 6/9 for communication when I translated and worked with foreign-language patients all month long.  None of it makes any sense.  I'm just not even gonna give a damn about it.  Clearly there is no pattern, so i'm just gonna be myself, and not care about those things.

Pregnancy update week 24

So, I guess I have not updated in a while.  Well, there we are today.  I am almost at the end of the second trimester.  Wow, time flies.  At 24 weeks, I am now in my 6th month of pregnancy.  First of all, I am much much more noticeable now than I had been before.  My belly is finally protruding, and it's rising above my belly button.  So wearing regular clothes is starting to become weird.  Maybe i'll post a picture sometime this week.  I have also had a major weight gain.  Apparently since about 4 weeks ago, I gained ~10 lbs, which brings me to 23 lb weight gain all together. I guess, I am still within normal range, but I was hoping to only gain about 30-35 lbs as recommended throughout the entire pregnancy, so that only leaves me about 10-12 lbs to go with still 3 months of major growth.  And it's not to say that I eat THAT much either.  I try to keep my sugar and fats under control.  Oh well...

So I did the 20 week sonogram, and they say it's a boy! I guess we can never know for sure, but considering that different doctors had been confirming this fact throughout my pregnancy, I could be fairly sure.  I have glucose challenge test coming up next weekend, so hopefully I do well on it and don't end up having gestational DM. 

And now, the update from :
Update from baby-center.com

How your baby's growing:

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)
Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.

How your life's changing:

In the past few weeks, the top of your uterus has risen above your belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball. Most women have a glucose screening test (also called a glucose challenge test or GCT) between now and 28 weeks. This test checks for gestational diabetes, a pregnancy-related high-blood-sugar condition.
Untreated diabetes increases your risk of having a difficult vaginal delivery or needing a cesarean section because it causes your baby to grow too large, especially in his upper body. It also raises your baby's odds for other complications like low blood sugar right after birth. A positive result on your GCT doesn't mean you have gestational diabetes, but it does mean that you'll need to take the glucose tolerance test (GTT) to find out for sure.

This Week's Activity:

Tackle your home improvement projects. Sit down with your partner and take stock of the things you'd like to fix around the house before your little one arrives. Then let your partner handle them. (You shouldn't be exposing yourself to chemicals or getting up on ladders.) Some things for the list:

• Install or check smoke detectors, get a fire extinguisher for each floor of your house, and plan a fire escape route.
• Fix or remove any broken furniture or fixtures.
• Paint the nursery, hang curtain rods, assemble new furniture.

Hey, maybe I should tackle some home improvement projects.  I've long wanted to re-arrange my study room to baby room, and even had some ideas.  I think there is a saying that women have a "nesting syndrome" when they try to clean and re-arrange everything in the house, just like animals make nest for their future family.  Maybe it's finally kicking in. :)

Healthy lifestyle

On some level, I must be bipolar or something.  Or perhaps, cyclothymic.  After a period of depression during my first three months, I suddenly gained all this energy.  I suddenly want to DO things!! Which made me very happy to get out of this slump. I'm suddenly interested in all these things, trying to get my career and schedule back on track, finishing projects, excited about going on vacation in the warm tropical place...:)

But still...leading a healthy lifestyle is a very difficult thing to do.  I don't know how other people do this, but doing daily exeercises is extremely extremely hard.  Maybe they have a normal day or wha not.  I just find myself unable to do it.  After my initialy attempts with pregnancy tape, which were actually successful, I had 2 weeks of severe backpain (probably non-related to exercise), but I stopped exercising regardless.  And, since then, could not pick it up.  In the morning I feel too lazy, and after I come back from work around 12 midnight, I feel too tired... and silly.

As far as the food, I find it really hard to eat healthily.  First, I like food and eating. :) It makes me happy to eat something nice and tasty.  I love LOVE meats, and after 20+ years of eating meat products, it is very difficult NOT to have meat.  I physically feel it when I don't have meat on a given day.  Then, my  biggest sin is sweets.  I love chocolates, cookies, etc.  And especially, after 12+hr day at work, doing some notes at the end, I do cheat and eat cookies with tea.  Eating celery steaks, carrots and non-salty foods does not appeal to me.  I guess the only thing I tend to avoid rather well is fats (oils, creams, chips, etc.)  But after reading this book, Mommy Fabulous, I really doubt that I could conform to the diet that she is offering.  Still I try.  And maybe on some days, I kinda succeed.  But there is only so far you can go with seeds and grains.  :)  I guess I'll never be a model, after all.

Pregnancy update - 20 weeks

From babycenter.com:

Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)
He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).
See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)

*****

How your life's changing:

Congratulations! You've hit the halfway mark in your pregnancy. (Yay!) The top of your uterus is about level with your belly button, and you've likely gained around 10 pounds. (umm...ok, i gained 14-15 lbs). Expect to gain another pound or so each week from now on. (Great!) (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen).

CLOSE WINDOW

Live birth: Epidural

See all videos

Surprising Facts: Getting a good night's rest

It may become more difficult to sleep through the night as your pregnancy progresses, thanks to some obvious and not-so-obvious changes taking place in your body. You may be surprised to find that:

• You start snoring for the first time in your life, thanks in part to more estrogen, which contributes to swelling of the mucous membranes that line the nose and may even cause you to make more mucus. What to do: Sleep on your side and elevate your head slightly. (thank god, no).
• Heartburn and indigestion can make it extra uncomfortable to lie down in bed. What to do: Avoid foods that trigger your heartburn, give yourself two to three hours to digest a meal before going to bed, and try sleeping semi-upright in a comfy recliner or propped up with extra pillows under your upper body. (that is actually true - had those symptoms for a while)
• Leg cramps jar you out of a deep sleep. What to do: Ease the cramp by straightening your leg, heel first and gently flexing your toes back toward your shins, or walk around for a few minutes.
• You toss and turn all night trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. What to do: Lie on your side with your knees bent and a pillow between your legs. For extra comfort and support, arrange other pillows under your belly and behind your back. Or try using a contoured maternity body pillow. (yes, true)
• You become hot and sweaty in the middle of the night. It's common for pregnant women to feel a little warmer than usual thanks to shifts in your metabolism, hormones, and weight. What to do: Keep your bedroom cool and strip down to the bare essentials. Keep slippers and a snuggly bathrobe handy for those nighttime trips to the bathroom. (umm...no, i'm always cold.)
• Getting out of bed is harder than ever! What to do: Roll over onto your side so you're facing the edge of the bed. Dangle your legs over the side and use your arms to push yourself into a sitting position. Plant your feet squarely on the floor and then stand up.
• Sometimes even when you're exhausted, you just can't sleep. So do you toss and turn waiting for sleep to catch up with you — or do something else in the meantime? (Guys, seriously, I have no problem sleeping).
• And clearly they don't have my job when they offer all of those days-offs options, spas, etc.  LOLOL I do 24hr shifts.