Ranting

Alright, so this is a therapeutic rant post.  Read at your own risk.  Over the past few months, I've been in this severe depression where I just didn't want to do anything.  I came home from work and slept.  I was not interested in work, was not interested in any other activities.  Things that I previously enjoyed: photography, sports, reading, etc.  All I did was basically come home, cry myself to sleep.  Over the time, I've realized that the underlying reason for my  not-well-being was, well, my work.  Or, rather, the politics of it.  At my profession (or at least in my work field), people do not get positive feedback or encouragement.  If you do something really well, lets' say manage a critial patient or save someone's life, no one says anything to you.  BUT. god forbid, you do a tiny mistake (forget or omit something) - you will face the consequences from the chiefs, attendings, virtually a punishment upto doing an extra rotation or being expelled.  Now, I have long lost the fear.  I mean I can't live under pressure the whole time.  Fuck it.  Be it whatever it maybe.  But, I realized that I am one of the people that needs positive encouragement.  I am one of those who do better if the people tell me I do well.  I don't work well in negative environment.  Well, then the question is why did I bother going into this field anyways?  Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sensitive.  But I'm also human.
I tried to ignore things many times.  Like, when I wasn't awarded anything at the end of last year.  Now, whatever they may say, maybe I was not the best, but I definitely WAS in the top third.  I worked my ass off, after hours and everything.  Covering everything, making sure everything was done.  I was told by people I was one of the best, but no recognitition.  For someone with my personality, it's actually detrimental. Now, people who got the awards were suck-ups and/or flirts mostly.  Seriously though, they gave out 3 4th places, 3 3rd places, 2 second places and 1 first.  That's like 9 ppl out of 30.  And, of course, I was not one of them.  Now, whatever, you may say, sour grapes. But it's actually for me for psychologically traumatic, especially considering that I WAS good, and gave 200%.  But it's a f^&*^&& popularity contest. 

I got mostly good reviews, but occasionally some asshole would write something ridiculous.  Like the fact that I'm lazy, or put out shit that never happened.\ (true story)  Or, i don't know...People write some undeserved bullshit.  And it hurts 5 times as much because chiefs, and residents and most attendings know that I am a very reliable, hard-working person. You just had a bad luck, they say. Forget it, there will be some good evals for you.  Well, why am I always getting fucked up like that? Why??

Now, going one step further...these awarded people got good schedules.  I didn't get my requests.  In fact, no matter, what I asked for (be it scheduling, attendng, a particular order of rotation, switch), I never EVER got any of them fulfilled. I'll record the first if there will be.  Now, I had requested this, say, rotation "A" at a particular hospital because it was in the field I'm interested in and needed for recommendations and my career in general. I requested it for the fall. Guess when they gave it to me?  In June.
Now, aside from the fact, that the applications open July 1, and I wouldn't have time to get recs, etc, I will also be 9 months pregnant at that time.  Which means that I probably wouldn't be able to put in the max hours, and in general, I have no idea how I will tolerate it.  I will also need to go for weekly appointments.  Oh, and did I tell you, this place is 2  hrs away from  my home? Anyways, they vetoed my switch for some bullshit administrative reason.  Seriously, they said, if you are too sick, we'll just take you off the rotation. Well, thanks. I actually wanted to do it.  And not on my 9th month. 
Now, they are giving me this thing called evening float with two 24hr calls.  I already told them that I am pregnant,  but now they want me to cover daily all the medicine teams, answering all pages and doing all blood draws plus the honorary 24hr calls.  In addition, but not doing "regular" rotations, I will also get less letters from attendings, so less evaluations, and my first one was fucked up.

Anyways, I think that they pretty much effectively screwed up my whole career (or, at least) applications this year, that I am not even sure I will apply.  I don't think I have anything to apply with.  No good letters or recs; no rotation "A" that I can boast about.  I know I am pissed off right now, and it's probably not the best evaluation of situation ever, and I have to find solutions.  But, GOD!  Sometimes it is so hard to stay impassionate and rational when you are being dealt shit the whole fucking time. I must've pissed off someone in previous life or something.  Or maybe, I am just paying for all my high school and college success, I don't know...

In terms of depression, I think I am slowly getting out of it, but it's like 2 steps forward, 1 step backward.  Sometimes, I feel "cheery" or at least attempt to, but then 3 days later, I would have a breakdown and not talk to anyone.  I have no enjoyment, and I hate where I am at very much.  Whatever.  I think about some solutions.  After all, tomorrow is another day.