Update

OK, so maybe I exaggerated a bit yesterday, but surely the disappointment was there. Luckily, it's going away. Maybe it's one more time that something dying in me, or maybe it's another step of maturation.  As I am nearing the completion of another decade. (Sigh.) I think i'm finally getting it.  I think.  It's stupid. I make the same dumb mistake every 3-4 years, and then go through all the emotional baggage for another year, trying to get over it.  Well, maybe it'll be easier now.  It simply is not worth it.
On the other hand, I made sooo many little mistakes yesterday, that today in am I did not even want to remember...No, it's nothing like that.  It's just the things I said and/or behaved a certain way - whatever.  I'll just have to be smarter next time.   

Stupidity

I had feared this would happen.  Why did I let myself build it up? Why am I so stupid? Wth is missing in my life that I am constantly seeking this?  I know that this is not love, so why am I so disappointed? Is it an ego thing?  Is it really over?  Will I ever never see him or talk to him again?

I've been hurt in relationships so many times that I just don't let myself get hurt anymore/.  I/E/ not let myself feel things and just do things on the outside as a protective mechanism.  If I really let me guard down, and feel things, it's gonna hurt tremendously.  Plus, I am also slightly delusional at times, so that would add to disappointment too.  Today, already I made gazillion stupid mistakes.  Sometimes, I should just stick to being my introverted self.  It's not gonna happen.  It's not.

Conclusion.  I'm an idiot. 

Rotation K T-9

OK, so I had not updated this in a while. So now we are more than half way through.  Many things have happened since then. First off, I fell off the wagon with updating the stuff. I think when I come back so late and many days so tired, I just don't have the energy to update this blog as much as I can.  Then I also got lazy about daily modules and learning new things everyday.  Basically, I come in and crash and pass out.  And then it's tomorrow. That's how it was.  There were many patients that we admitted and discharged all over the course.  I have to say that now that i am on rotation K for the 4th time this year, I am faaar more comfortable with it then before.  I think that I am able to see the larger picture better now then ever, and that I am able to manage things better.  Of course, it helps that I have a good team this time around, and everyone had been helpful.  I almost do not have to do notes every day, as we have 2 students and one intern doing them.  Of course, there are bumps along the way, and problems here and there. But...overall, I think that I should be able to pull through.  I think...I hope.

Then, an update about another obsession of mine.  We've gone to two drinking parties so far, and they had been a blast.  Especially the first one. There were lots of people and we talked (about work mostly, of course, what else do we have in our lives?) and so on. I think that this obsession of mine is (sadly or maybe for the better) going away.  I think that some things had definitely happened, with culminations being last week, but all-in-all, i think now we are drifting away.  I am afraid that I am becoming maybe a bit too obvious, and frankly, I am getting kinda tired.  So, like usual, I just  stopped communication all together. And I think he cut it too.  This guy is really smart, and I think is one of the few ones that inherently understands the situation, and probably owns it too.  I think that we are very similar in the way we view things and get easily infatuated and flirty, but at the end of the day, we know what's right.  I think that given a different situation, being in college or whatever, things probably would have definitely progressed; but at this point, there are boundaries.  I need to get back to planet earth and stop being selfish, and think more about others.  I know what's the right thing to do, but it's always so sad when things are coming to an end. I doubt that we will remain friends once the year is over (since there was always tension there), so those things are definitely hard to say good bye to. Damn it, I think I really was hooked up on this. Sigh. I know. It happens once every few years.

Anyways, I need to get back to a more structured lifestyle with things that I wanted to achieve this month that I wrote about.  And try to spend more time with my son and my family. 

Ranting

Alright, so this is a therapeutic rant post.  Read at your own risk.  Over the past few months, I've been in this severe depression where I just didn't want to do anything.  I came home from work and slept.  I was not interested in work, was not interested in any other activities.  Things that I previously enjoyed: photography, sports, reading, etc.  All I did was basically come home, cry myself to sleep.  Over the time, I've realized that the underlying reason for my  not-well-being was, well, my work.  Or, rather, the politics of it.  At my profession (or at least in my work field), people do not get positive feedback or encouragement.  If you do something really well, lets' say manage a critial patient or save someone's life, no one says anything to you.  BUT. god forbid, you do a tiny mistake (forget or omit something) - you will face the consequences from the chiefs, attendings, virtually a punishment upto doing an extra rotation or being expelled.  Now, I have long lost the fear.  I mean I can't live under pressure the whole time.  Fuck it.  Be it whatever it maybe.  But, I realized that I am one of the people that needs positive encouragement.  I am one of those who do better if the people tell me I do well.  I don't work well in negative environment.  Well, then the question is why did I bother going into this field anyways?  Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sensitive.  But I'm also human.
I tried to ignore things many times.  Like, when I wasn't awarded anything at the end of last year.  Now, whatever they may say, maybe I was not the best, but I definitely WAS in the top third.  I worked my ass off, after hours and everything.  Covering everything, making sure everything was done.  I was told by people I was one of the best, but no recognitition.  For someone with my personality, it's actually detrimental. Now, people who got the awards were suck-ups and/or flirts mostly.  Seriously though, they gave out 3 4th places, 3 3rd places, 2 second places and 1 first.  That's like 9 ppl out of 30.  And, of course, I was not one of them.  Now, whatever, you may say, sour grapes. But it's actually for me for psychologically traumatic, especially considering that I WAS good, and gave 200%.  But it's a f^&*^&& popularity contest. 

I got mostly good reviews, but occasionally some asshole would write something ridiculous.  Like the fact that I'm lazy, or put out shit that never happened.\ (true story)  Or, i don't know...People write some undeserved bullshit.  And it hurts 5 times as much because chiefs, and residents and most attendings know that I am a very reliable, hard-working person. You just had a bad luck, they say. Forget it, there will be some good evals for you.  Well, why am I always getting fucked up like that? Why??

Now, going one step further...these awarded people got good schedules.  I didn't get my requests.  In fact, no matter, what I asked for (be it scheduling, attendng, a particular order of rotation, switch), I never EVER got any of them fulfilled. I'll record the first if there will be.  Now, I had requested this, say, rotation "A" at a particular hospital because it was in the field I'm interested in and needed for recommendations and my career in general. I requested it for the fall. Guess when they gave it to me?  In June.
Now, aside from the fact, that the applications open July 1, and I wouldn't have time to get recs, etc, I will also be 9 months pregnant at that time.  Which means that I probably wouldn't be able to put in the max hours, and in general, I have no idea how I will tolerate it.  I will also need to go for weekly appointments.  Oh, and did I tell you, this place is 2  hrs away from  my home? Anyways, they vetoed my switch for some bullshit administrative reason.  Seriously, they said, if you are too sick, we'll just take you off the rotation. Well, thanks. I actually wanted to do it.  And not on my 9th month. 
Now, they are giving me this thing called evening float with two 24hr calls.  I already told them that I am pregnant,  but now they want me to cover daily all the medicine teams, answering all pages and doing all blood draws plus the honorary 24hr calls.  In addition, but not doing "regular" rotations, I will also get less letters from attendings, so less evaluations, and my first one was fucked up.

Anyways, I think that they pretty much effectively screwed up my whole career (or, at least) applications this year, that I am not even sure I will apply.  I don't think I have anything to apply with.  No good letters or recs; no rotation "A" that I can boast about.  I know I am pissed off right now, and it's probably not the best evaluation of situation ever, and I have to find solutions.  But, GOD!  Sometimes it is so hard to stay impassionate and rational when you are being dealt shit the whole fucking time. I must've pissed off someone in previous life or something.  Or maybe, I am just paying for all my high school and college success, I don't know...

In terms of depression, I think I am slowly getting out of it, but it's like 2 steps forward, 1 step backward.  Sometimes, I feel "cheery" or at least attempt to, but then 3 days later, I would have a breakdown and not talk to anyone.  I have no enjoyment, and I hate where I am at very much.  Whatever.  I think about some solutions.  After all, tomorrow is another day.

journey begun, lesson learned...

From now on, I'll be trying to update my posts on a daily basis.  I am having a bit of a writer's block as I am just starting to write in a journal after 10+ years of never doing so before.  But, I guess, I have to start sometime.
Learned a lesson from work - if you want to call in sick, call your co-workers BEFORE the boss.  Don't ask me why, but my good initial plan actually backfired, and hopefully, my co-workers who were called within 15 seconds by my boss will eventually forgive me... Oh well, lesson learned.
Otherwise, making baby steps away from laziness.  Laziness is probably my biggest and toughest sin to yet overcome.  I love planning, but hate actually doing stuff, and just procrastinate away.  So today, after wasting most of my day (well, ok, I was very sick, but still), I found power in myself to get up, wash the dishes and do the clean-up before my sister came by. Little step.  Maybe tomorrow, we'll do some exercises even.  LOL.
More to come.

First entry

Hello, this will be my first time posting in this blog.  Here's to hopefully entering a new more optimistic and creative phase of life (for several reasons). Cheers!