Restart my life

Now that my torture is over, time to start my life over.  Here are a couple of projects that I am contemplating at the moment, some more urgent than others.

1) Home improvement - now would be the time to finally fix that home design that I always wanted to; to clean up the house and to invest into some furniture things.  Tag: home improvement

2) Travel - time to book Mexico trip for over thanksgiving. Other considerations: ski trip over president's day weekend. Also, I must register for the ASH trip in December: flights, hotels and ASH registration. This one is urgent. Also, my big dream - Himalayas trekking trip in the spring 2015. Tag: travel

3) Personal stuff - my plan is to spend as MUCH as possible time with my son, and hopefully enroll him into an activity to get him to use his energy. Tag: children

4) Research - now I kinda HAVE to do research.  That would be to write the proposal over this weekend for Dr. Z for bladder cancer. This one is urgent - due next week!!! Also, ask Dr. B if any opportunities for research as well as Dr. L if any opportunities for review article... Tag: work

5) Study - now I have to study very hard for inservice.  That is review ONE topic per day. Audio or not.  Will start with oncology.  Also, one article per day. Tag: study

6) Language study - now that I will be spending more time in the car - time to do 30 min language review, esp Spanish and Russian which I tend to use a lot. Tag: language

7) Common outside of work activity with my husband...:)

Let's see how much I can accomplish.

Update

OK, so maybe I exaggerated a bit yesterday, but surely the disappointment was there. Luckily, it's going away. Maybe it's one more time that something dying in me, or maybe it's another step of maturation.  As I am nearing the completion of another decade. (Sigh.) I think i'm finally getting it.  I think.  It's stupid. I make the same dumb mistake every 3-4 years, and then go through all the emotional baggage for another year, trying to get over it.  Well, maybe it'll be easier now.  It simply is not worth it.
On the other hand, I made sooo many little mistakes yesterday, that today in am I did not even want to remember...No, it's nothing like that.  It's just the things I said and/or behaved a certain way - whatever.  I'll just have to be smarter next time.   

Stupidity

I had feared this would happen.  Why did I let myself build it up? Why am I so stupid? Wth is missing in my life that I am constantly seeking this?  I know that this is not love, so why am I so disappointed? Is it an ego thing?  Is it really over?  Will I ever never see him or talk to him again?

I've been hurt in relationships so many times that I just don't let myself get hurt anymore/.  I/E/ not let myself feel things and just do things on the outside as a protective mechanism.  If I really let me guard down, and feel things, it's gonna hurt tremendously.  Plus, I am also slightly delusional at times, so that would add to disappointment too.  Today, already I made gazillion stupid mistakes.  Sometimes, I should just stick to being my introverted self.  It's not gonna happen.  It's not.

Conclusion.  I'm an idiot. 

Rotation V, T-22

Having finished the Rotation K, somewhat successfully, not declining one or two or three late night outings to get some drinks after particularly intense days, I am finally done!!

But now I'm on to rotation V. Actually, I'm already a week into it.  This one is in the intensive care unit.  I will write in more details afterwards, but just to give a countdown, I have 22 days remaining in this rotation.

Of those, 3 are off and some odd number are post-call since I am doing 24 hr calls.  But now this becomes too confusing, so I'll just be using days remaining and calls remaining.
Anyways, the goals for this rotation are similar to the one prior, with some minor changes. I will be checking progress with each of the following categories.

1) Hopkins modules. ONE DAILY. No excuses.
2) Daily learning experience: attending teaching rounds/learning new things every day, ICU stuff. Write it in my notebook. Daily.
3) Over this rotation, get certified in procedures - central lines placement. Possibly arterial lines placement.
4) Keep organized: orders, sheets, notebook, paperboard on rounds.  
5) Accept that there will be unfairness daily/hourly (including unfair load, screaming, ancillary issues, long work hours, instant changes) but just accept it and say nothing.  Do not get into arguments with people.    
6) Daily exercises - to get the bad energy out! :)  And also, spring/summer is coming!!

	#	#days
Daily hop modules	0	0/22
Daily learning	0	0/22
Daily exercises	0	0/22

Oh, and speaking of which, I was already assigned to research and to present a topic - so I guess here I start!!
****
Other goals, during this rotation:
-Get vision rechecked and get new eyeglasses!
-мамография

-Organize my baby's photos to create photo-book

And so, the countdown:
Days remaining: 22
Calls remaining: 6

Rotation K T-9

OK, so I had not updated this in a while. So now we are more than half way through.  Many things have happened since then. First off, I fell off the wagon with updating the stuff. I think when I come back so late and many days so tired, I just don't have the energy to update this blog as much as I can.  Then I also got lazy about daily modules and learning new things everyday.  Basically, I come in and crash and pass out.  And then it's tomorrow. That's how it was.  There were many patients that we admitted and discharged all over the course.  I have to say that now that i am on rotation K for the 4th time this year, I am faaar more comfortable with it then before.  I think that I am able to see the larger picture better now then ever, and that I am able to manage things better.  Of course, it helps that I have a good team this time around, and everyone had been helpful.  I almost do not have to do notes every day, as we have 2 students and one intern doing them.  Of course, there are bumps along the way, and problems here and there. But...overall, I think that I should be able to pull through.  I think...I hope.

Then, an update about another obsession of mine.  We've gone to two drinking parties so far, and they had been a blast.  Especially the first one. There were lots of people and we talked (about work mostly, of course, what else do we have in our lives?) and so on. I think that this obsession of mine is (sadly or maybe for the better) going away.  I think that some things had definitely happened, with culminations being last week, but all-in-all, i think now we are drifting away.  I am afraid that I am becoming maybe a bit too obvious, and frankly, I am getting kinda tired.  So, like usual, I just  stopped communication all together. And I think he cut it too.  This guy is really smart, and I think is one of the few ones that inherently understands the situation, and probably owns it too.  I think that we are very similar in the way we view things and get easily infatuated and flirty, but at the end of the day, we know what's right.  I think that given a different situation, being in college or whatever, things probably would have definitely progressed; but at this point, there are boundaries.  I need to get back to planet earth and stop being selfish, and think more about others.  I know what's the right thing to do, but it's always so sad when things are coming to an end. I doubt that we will remain friends once the year is over (since there was always tension there), so those things are definitely hard to say good bye to. Damn it, I think I really was hooked up on this. Sigh. I know. It happens once every few years.

Anyways, I need to get back to a more structured lifestyle with things that I wanted to achieve this month that I wrote about.  And try to spend more time with my son and my family. 

Rotation K, T-21

Day #4: Now that there is only 21 days of work left after today is done.  On this rotation. Today was ok, when we actually had full team, we got all the work done fast. Finished by 4 pm despite three meetings and different tests.  Couple of discharges.  There was an interesting lecture today by the chiefs.  I realized that I know absolutely nothing about ulcerative colitis/Crohn's disease - need to seriously review. As for other things, not really well.  Still eat like crap. Need to work on the exercise routine and do daily modules.

Countdown: days done.days to go  4.21

Rotation K, T-22

So here is an update about my ongoing rotation.  I tried to follow all the plans that I had outlined. First of all, positive results. People tend to respond much better to positive attitude and "niceness" although I had one or two episodes when I was not so nice.  Justified, most likely, but still.  Maybe in a more mature way, I could have handled it differently.
Day#1 - surprised me about my calmness...or maybe I was ready.  I was impressed that I was able to put in IV from the first try in a morbidly obese patient.  Maybe I am better than I give myself credit. Finished things mostly on-time.  Was able to handle my tasks.
Day#2 - was on-call, most of the day without my intern.  Interestingly appeared to have handled it well.  Would have even left on-time if it was not for last minute code.  But it was interesting code, at least.  Wish I was faster on the notes.
Day #3 - was actually worse than on-call because we got random admissions throughout the day. Rounded for a while.  Lost my cool a bit when working with cardio - should have known that he was difficult.  But started to get agitated and did not handle it as well as I should have.  Overall, it turned out well though.  No issues.  It is amazing how one sick patient can turn everything sour.  I was not even able to do much for other patients as I had to deal with this critically ill patient.

Things I still need to do:
-Get up earlier
-Read up on at least one thing a day from the patients in order to learn
-Daily exercise - only did it on day #3
-Cut down on sugars - why do I always eat like crap during this rotation
-Also, I have to cut down on this mild obsession of mine - i'm afraid it's becoming obvious.

Rotation K, T-25

I decided that instead of approaching this upcoming rotation with fear, anxiety/anger, I will try a new positive and organized approach so that it is more manageable.  I will try to learn as much as possible from this rotation and ignore all the negative parts. As my good friend says, "sometimes, just say ok and be quiet." That will be my motto for the upcoming month.  So here are some of the things I will try to do:
1) Come earlier than prior (7 am)
2) Keep organized using sheets; use paperboard to keep everything together.
3) Orders after we finish the unit.
4) Accept that there will be unfairness daily/hourly (including unfair load, screaming, ancillary issues, long work hours, instant changes) but just accept it and say nothing.
5) Learn one new medical thing every day. :)

***
-Will also do hop modules daily.  religiously.
-Daily exercises (and/or do some sports) to get my "bad" energy out.

***
Anyways, after counting the days and days off, I have exactly 25 working days remaining in this rotation.  Starting on a Sunday and with daylight hours taking my day off seems a bit depressing, but I'll try to keep it on a positive... hehe:) though it's hard.

Мой маленький сын

Решила что про сына буду писать по-русски.  Хотя бы все-таки потренируюсь.  Мой сын родился в середине июля после 41 недели ожидания.  Все-таки все прошло хорошо и я родила без всяких вмешательств и хирургий, но с анастезией.  Так что вот.

Первый меся был не таким сложным, хотя сейчас все-таки усложняется посколько он все больше и больше часов не спит и пытается исследовать мир вокруг него.

Anger management - Lessons 2 & 3

Understanding anger episodes.  
Once my anger is triggered by some event, usually work-related, I fall into the same patterns:
1) Awfulizing (I thought it was the most awful thing that could be happening, but it wasn't...)
2) Low frustration tolerance ("I just can't fucking deal with it..." even though I probably can)
3) Demandingness ("I thought the other person totally should have thought about me...acted differently...")
4) Negative rating of others ("what an asshole....")
5) Negative ratings of self ("I'm so worthless...")
6) Distortion - not seeing things clearly because I'm so mad

As for expressive patterns, some of the common ones are:
1) indirect anger expression
2) Outward expression - verbal and gesture

Interestingly, I make no efforts to resolve or correct the situation with the direct person/event that caused my anger, but mostly  bitch to others.  Hmmm...unproductive. :)

***********
#The "big mistake" is focusing exclusively on the bad behavior of others while ignoring the more important issue of whether anger is working to make my life better...--> definitely may apply to me at some moments

#The energy required to manage my life with this problem is far greater than the energy required to make a change.

Anger management - Lesson 1

So I had decided to take a look at my behavior and to change certain patterns.  I think that I do get angry way too often than necessary and it may even become a detriment to my health/social relations.  So I decided to get a DIY book about anger and sadness and see how I can correct it. And so, lesson #1.
Anger consists of the following elements:
1)self-talk
2)images
3)sensation in your body
4)pattern of expression
I think that I definitely have #1 an #4.  #1 would include things like exaggerated description of the problem, blame, a belief in inability to cope with problem, morally (blaming) thoughts of others, condemnation of others and thoughts about revenge. Images is when you keep replaying in your head the negative experience that just feeds into your anger.  And, as for patterns of expression - I am definitely an "outie" as I like to show my emotions. 
*Also interesting that anger and aggression are not likely that closely related.  Aggression actually follows anger only in 10% of the time.  Interestingly, most people suffer from anger itself.

It's not too late to turn it around...

Lately, I've been moody and depressed about a lot of things.  And angry.  About the fact that I got my chosen rotation so late in the year that will compromise my fellowship applications; about some of the evaluations that I've (i think quite unfairly) received from my my attendings.  About unfair treatment that I've received from my chiefs/bosses.  About life in general.  Things that in general were making angry and upset.  And then realized that they are all not worth it.  Working at the place where I work now (a big cancer) makes me ponder about bigger and deeper things.  Young people unlucky enough to have cancer have such a limited time to live and to enjoy their time with children and their close ones, and it is so saddening and sobering experience. What are my problems compared to theirs?  Things that I'm worried about are simply not worth worrying about.  They are not worth even feeling down about.

The evaluation grades that I get from my preceptors/bosses don't make any sense.  For example, one of the preceptor raves how I am so professional and hard-working individual and the best in everything and then proceeds to give me all 7 out of 9 on everything.  If everything was so good, why not 8 or 9 out of 9 then?  Another one who always praises me about my notes gives me a 5/9 on my notes but praises my attendance in clinic (9/9) when I have missed my sessions several times.  Another one gives me 6/9 for communication when I translated and worked with foreign-language patients all month long.  None of it makes any sense.  I'm just not even gonna give a damn about it.  Clearly there is no pattern, so i'm just gonna be myself, and not care about those things.

Pregnancy update week 24

So, I guess I have not updated in a while.  Well, there we are today.  I am almost at the end of the second trimester.  Wow, time flies.  At 24 weeks, I am now in my 6th month of pregnancy.  First of all, I am much much more noticeable now than I had been before.  My belly is finally protruding, and it's rising above my belly button.  So wearing regular clothes is starting to become weird.  Maybe i'll post a picture sometime this week.  I have also had a major weight gain.  Apparently since about 4 weeks ago, I gained ~10 lbs, which brings me to 23 lb weight gain all together. I guess, I am still within normal range, but I was hoping to only gain about 30-35 lbs as recommended throughout the entire pregnancy, so that only leaves me about 10-12 lbs to go with still 3 months of major growth.  And it's not to say that I eat THAT much either.  I try to keep my sugar and fats under control.  Oh well...

So I did the 20 week sonogram, and they say it's a boy! I guess we can never know for sure, but considering that different doctors had been confirming this fact throughout my pregnancy, I could be fairly sure.  I have glucose challenge test coming up next weekend, so hopefully I do well on it and don't end up having gestational DM. 

And now, the update from :
Update from baby-center.com

How your baby's growing:

Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)
Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.

How your life's changing:

In the past few weeks, the top of your uterus has risen above your belly button and is now about the size of a soccer ball. Most women have a glucose screening test (also called a glucose challenge test or GCT) between now and 28 weeks. This test checks for gestational diabetes, a pregnancy-related high-blood-sugar condition.
Untreated diabetes increases your risk of having a difficult vaginal delivery or needing a cesarean section because it causes your baby to grow too large, especially in his upper body. It also raises your baby's odds for other complications like low blood sugar right after birth. A positive result on your GCT doesn't mean you have gestational diabetes, but it does mean that you'll need to take the glucose tolerance test (GTT) to find out for sure.

This Week's Activity:

Tackle your home improvement projects. Sit down with your partner and take stock of the things you'd like to fix around the house before your little one arrives. Then let your partner handle them. (You shouldn't be exposing yourself to chemicals or getting up on ladders.) Some things for the list:

• Install or check smoke detectors, get a fire extinguisher for each floor of your house, and plan a fire escape route.
• Fix or remove any broken furniture or fixtures.
• Paint the nursery, hang curtain rods, assemble new furniture.

Hey, maybe I should tackle some home improvement projects.  I've long wanted to re-arrange my study room to baby room, and even had some ideas.  I think there is a saying that women have a "nesting syndrome" when they try to clean and re-arrange everything in the house, just like animals make nest for their future family.  Maybe it's finally kicking in. :)

Healthy lifestyle

On some level, I must be bipolar or something.  Or perhaps, cyclothymic.  After a period of depression during my first three months, I suddenly gained all this energy.  I suddenly want to DO things!! Which made me very happy to get out of this slump. I'm suddenly interested in all these things, trying to get my career and schedule back on track, finishing projects, excited about going on vacation in the warm tropical place...:)

But still...leading a healthy lifestyle is a very difficult thing to do.  I don't know how other people do this, but doing daily exeercises is extremely extremely hard.  Maybe they have a normal day or wha not.  I just find myself unable to do it.  After my initialy attempts with pregnancy tape, which were actually successful, I had 2 weeks of severe backpain (probably non-related to exercise), but I stopped exercising regardless.  And, since then, could not pick it up.  In the morning I feel too lazy, and after I come back from work around 12 midnight, I feel too tired... and silly.

As far as the food, I find it really hard to eat healthily.  First, I like food and eating. :) It makes me happy to eat something nice and tasty.  I love LOVE meats, and after 20+ years of eating meat products, it is very difficult NOT to have meat.  I physically feel it when I don't have meat on a given day.  Then, my  biggest sin is sweets.  I love chocolates, cookies, etc.  And especially, after 12+hr day at work, doing some notes at the end, I do cheat and eat cookies with tea.  Eating celery steaks, carrots and non-salty foods does not appeal to me.  I guess the only thing I tend to avoid rather well is fats (oils, creams, chips, etc.)  But after reading this book, Mommy Fabulous, I really doubt that I could conform to the diet that she is offering.  Still I try.  And maybe on some days, I kinda succeed.  But there is only so far you can go with seeds and grains.  :)  I guess I'll never be a model, after all.

Pregnancy update - 20 weeks

From babycenter.com:

Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. He's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, when a baby's legs are curled up against his torso and hard to measure, measurements are taken from the top of his head to his bottom — the "crown to rump" measurement. After 20 weeks, he's measured from head to toe.)
He's swallowing more these days, which is good practice for his digestive system. He's also producing meconium, a black, sticky by-product of digestion. This gooey substance will accumulate in his bowels, and you'll see it in his first soiled diaper (some babies pass meconium in the womb or during delivery).
See what your baby looks like this week. (Or see what fraternal twins look like in the womb this week.)

*****

How your life's changing:

Congratulations! You've hit the halfway mark in your pregnancy. (Yay!) The top of your uterus is about level with your belly button, and you've likely gained around 10 pounds. (umm...ok, i gained 14-15 lbs). Expect to gain another pound or so each week from now on. (Great!) (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen).

CLOSE WINDOW

Live birth: Epidural

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Surprising Facts: Getting a good night's rest

It may become more difficult to sleep through the night as your pregnancy progresses, thanks to some obvious and not-so-obvious changes taking place in your body. You may be surprised to find that:

• You start snoring for the first time in your life, thanks in part to more estrogen, which contributes to swelling of the mucous membranes that line the nose and may even cause you to make more mucus. What to do: Sleep on your side and elevate your head slightly. (thank god, no).
• Heartburn and indigestion can make it extra uncomfortable to lie down in bed. What to do: Avoid foods that trigger your heartburn, give yourself two to three hours to digest a meal before going to bed, and try sleeping semi-upright in a comfy recliner or propped up with extra pillows under your upper body. (that is actually true - had those symptoms for a while)
• Leg cramps jar you out of a deep sleep. What to do: Ease the cramp by straightening your leg, heel first and gently flexing your toes back toward your shins, or walk around for a few minutes.
• You toss and turn all night trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. What to do: Lie on your side with your knees bent and a pillow between your legs. For extra comfort and support, arrange other pillows under your belly and behind your back. Or try using a contoured maternity body pillow. (yes, true)
• You become hot and sweaty in the middle of the night. It's common for pregnant women to feel a little warmer than usual thanks to shifts in your metabolism, hormones, and weight. What to do: Keep your bedroom cool and strip down to the bare essentials. Keep slippers and a snuggly bathrobe handy for those nighttime trips to the bathroom. (umm...no, i'm always cold.)
• Getting out of bed is harder than ever! What to do: Roll over onto your side so you're facing the edge of the bed. Dangle your legs over the side and use your arms to push yourself into a sitting position. Plant your feet squarely on the floor and then stand up.
• Sometimes even when you're exhausted, you just can't sleep. So do you toss and turn waiting for sleep to catch up with you — or do something else in the meantime? (Guys, seriously, I have no problem sleeping).
• And clearly they don't have my job when they offer all of those days-offs options, spas, etc.  LOLOL I do 24hr shifts.

Pregnancy update - week 16 5/7

Now, the bump finally starts showing.  I will have to change some of my pants soon.  Two things happened recently: developed really bad back pain (I wonder if it was from the exercises I was doing) or from whatever other reason.  And today, in am, I turned while seeing patients, and this very bad back pain just shoot through my back.  Now I turn only with my feet.  I can't move my back.   Great.
I also developed this really bad toothache.  Started a few days ago, it hurts at baseline, and food, acid, hot/cold makes it just worse.  Good thing I am seeing a dentist today.  Hope it's not a root canal...but I think it might be...

As of February 1st, I also made a decision to stop:
-All kylbasa, cold cuts, cutlets, hot dogs, etc.
-All sweets (chocolate, cakes, pies, etc).

Will try to eat healthy foods, fruits, veggies, some carbs with frequent healthy snacks
Will try to do exercises at least 3 times per week.
Will check back in one week, see how that goes.

And now the update from babycenter.com:
*******
"Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop."

Ranting

Alright, so this is a therapeutic rant post.  Read at your own risk.  Over the past few months, I've been in this severe depression where I just didn't want to do anything.  I came home from work and slept.  I was not interested in work, was not interested in any other activities.  Things that I previously enjoyed: photography, sports, reading, etc.  All I did was basically come home, cry myself to sleep.  Over the time, I've realized that the underlying reason for my  not-well-being was, well, my work.  Or, rather, the politics of it.  At my profession (or at least in my work field), people do not get positive feedback or encouragement.  If you do something really well, lets' say manage a critial patient or save someone's life, no one says anything to you.  BUT. god forbid, you do a tiny mistake (forget or omit something) - you will face the consequences from the chiefs, attendings, virtually a punishment upto doing an extra rotation or being expelled.  Now, I have long lost the fear.  I mean I can't live under pressure the whole time.  Fuck it.  Be it whatever it maybe.  But, I realized that I am one of the people that needs positive encouragement.  I am one of those who do better if the people tell me I do well.  I don't work well in negative environment.  Well, then the question is why did I bother going into this field anyways?  Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sensitive.  But I'm also human.
I tried to ignore things many times.  Like, when I wasn't awarded anything at the end of last year.  Now, whatever they may say, maybe I was not the best, but I definitely WAS in the top third.  I worked my ass off, after hours and everything.  Covering everything, making sure everything was done.  I was told by people I was one of the best, but no recognitition.  For someone with my personality, it's actually detrimental. Now, people who got the awards were suck-ups and/or flirts mostly.  Seriously though, they gave out 3 4th places, 3 3rd places, 2 second places and 1 first.  That's like 9 ppl out of 30.  And, of course, I was not one of them.  Now, whatever, you may say, sour grapes. But it's actually for me for psychologically traumatic, especially considering that I WAS good, and gave 200%.  But it's a f^&*^&& popularity contest. 

I got mostly good reviews, but occasionally some asshole would write something ridiculous.  Like the fact that I'm lazy, or put out shit that never happened.\ (true story)  Or, i don't know...People write some undeserved bullshit.  And it hurts 5 times as much because chiefs, and residents and most attendings know that I am a very reliable, hard-working person. You just had a bad luck, they say. Forget it, there will be some good evals for you.  Well, why am I always getting fucked up like that? Why??

Now, going one step further...these awarded people got good schedules.  I didn't get my requests.  In fact, no matter, what I asked for (be it scheduling, attendng, a particular order of rotation, switch), I never EVER got any of them fulfilled. I'll record the first if there will be.  Now, I had requested this, say, rotation "A" at a particular hospital because it was in the field I'm interested in and needed for recommendations and my career in general. I requested it for the fall. Guess when they gave it to me?  In June.
Now, aside from the fact, that the applications open July 1, and I wouldn't have time to get recs, etc, I will also be 9 months pregnant at that time.  Which means that I probably wouldn't be able to put in the max hours, and in general, I have no idea how I will tolerate it.  I will also need to go for weekly appointments.  Oh, and did I tell you, this place is 2  hrs away from  my home? Anyways, they vetoed my switch for some bullshit administrative reason.  Seriously, they said, if you are too sick, we'll just take you off the rotation. Well, thanks. I actually wanted to do it.  And not on my 9th month. 
Now, they are giving me this thing called evening float with two 24hr calls.  I already told them that I am pregnant,  but now they want me to cover daily all the medicine teams, answering all pages and doing all blood draws plus the honorary 24hr calls.  In addition, but not doing "regular" rotations, I will also get less letters from attendings, so less evaluations, and my first one was fucked up.

Anyways, I think that they pretty much effectively screwed up my whole career (or, at least) applications this year, that I am not even sure I will apply.  I don't think I have anything to apply with.  No good letters or recs; no rotation "A" that I can boast about.  I know I am pissed off right now, and it's probably not the best evaluation of situation ever, and I have to find solutions.  But, GOD!  Sometimes it is so hard to stay impassionate and rational when you are being dealt shit the whole fucking time. I must've pissed off someone in previous life or something.  Or maybe, I am just paying for all my high school and college success, I don't know...

In terms of depression, I think I am slowly getting out of it, but it's like 2 steps forward, 1 step backward.  Sometimes, I feel "cheery" or at least attempt to, but then 3 days later, I would have a breakdown and not talk to anyone.  I have no enjoyment, and I hate where I am at very much.  Whatever.  I think about some solutions.  After all, tomorrow is another day.

journey begun, lesson learned...

From now on, I'll be trying to update my posts on a daily basis.  I am having a bit of a writer's block as I am just starting to write in a journal after 10+ years of never doing so before.  But, I guess, I have to start sometime.
Learned a lesson from work - if you want to call in sick, call your co-workers BEFORE the boss.  Don't ask me why, but my good initial plan actually backfired, and hopefully, my co-workers who were called within 15 seconds by my boss will eventually forgive me... Oh well, lesson learned.
Otherwise, making baby steps away from laziness.  Laziness is probably my biggest and toughest sin to yet overcome.  I love planning, but hate actually doing stuff, and just procrastinate away.  So today, after wasting most of my day (well, ok, I was very sick, but still), I found power in myself to get up, wash the dishes and do the clean-up before my sister came by. Little step.  Maybe tomorrow, we'll do some exercises even.  LOL.
More to come.

First entry

Hello, this will be my first time posting in this blog.  Here's to hopefully entering a new more optimistic and creative phase of life (for several reasons). Cheers!